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#125516 - 06/23/11 06:04 PM Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary
Amadahy
Member

Registered: 09/14/10
Posts: 3472
The amazingly beautiful lady writers of MA present to you the glossary of terms as written by their soft and feminine hands ~

Newbie - Newly registered and posting member who may, or may not have forum experience.

Wayward Spouse - A spouse who is engaged in an affair/infidelity; either actively engaged in the affair or still displaying the mindset of cheating

Betrayed Spouse - The spouse who is being cheated on or left unexpectedly

Walkaway Spouse - A spouse who has decided to leave the marriage rather than remain and work on the marriage/restore the marriage. Walkaways leave because they are mightily dissatisfied with the marriage for reasons other than infidelity--neglect, spouse's addiction, abuse, or other chronic problems.

The Script - The common mindset, reactions, justifications that most wayward spouses employ to avoid taking responsibility or dealing with their choices; ex."I love you but am not in love with you"' "our marriage was dead anyway", "if you tell anyone I will leave"

Exposure - Telling others about the spouse's affair in an effort to stop the affair

Limbo - A state of inaction and indecision; when the betrayed spouse is still hoping the wayward spouse will come back but is afraid to take any definitive action that might cause that to happen; the time during which the wayward or walkaway spouse if still absent from the marriage and the betrayed spouse is fearful of '€œrocking the boat'

Gaslighting - Form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception.

180 - Concept developed by MWD stating LBS change behaviour 180 degrees; in other words, stop doing what you were doing and change the behavior to achieve more positive results

Emotional need - Concept developed by Dr. Willard Harley to define the basic needs that each spouse may have in a marriage, such as conversation, affection, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc. Can be found in the book His Needs, Her Needs

Moderator
- Members who over see Marriage Advocates in a protective role. Duties include: editing posts for spelling, unintentional 'TMI', personal attacks, and adherence to the rules on the protected boards. Deserves chocolate and hugs.

Administrator
- Referee, lightning rod, and target. Staunch defender of the rules, while always being diplomatic. Exhausting sometimes. Deserve cookies and free pizza

Ambassador
- Title acknowledging members who have contributed to Marriage Advocates by volunteering and completing work in marketing, and content. Duties include welcoming newbies, and directing them to resources.

Family of origin
- The family in which a person was raised or spent most of his/her formative years

GAL (Get a Life) - A concept developed by the author of the Divorce Busters site in which the betrayed spouse takes care of himself/herself, improves himself/herself, and engages other people in friendship and activities rather than giving in to the depression and anxiety of the affair situation

Cake eating - When a wayward spouse attempts to keep the betrayed spouse 'on a string' while also engaging in the affair; based on the idea of having your cake and eating it too

Fence sitting
- When a spouse will not make a decision, i.e. will not go ahead and either commit to or leave the marriage, end and affair, etc. Fence sitting can be done by either spouse or both.

Personal recovery - The individual recovery that each spouse goes through regardless of whether or not the marriage is saved

Marital recovery
- the process of healing a marriage following a single event or long period of damage, i.e. infidelity, addiction, neglect. Wounds are still healing, trust is sometimes shaken, but you are moving toward a healthier marriage

Restored Marriage
- When the marriage has healed from whatever situation that's has jeopardized it, i.e. infidelity, addiction, neglect, etc. Generally there are strong boundaries, an awareness of each others needs, and effort is put to meet these needs. It does not mean the marriage is perfect, but it does mean that you are moving forward in a healthy and whole relationship.

Other person/woman/man – Usually refers to the affair partner of the wayward spouse

D-day – This is the day that the affair is discovered or confessed

Extraordinary precautions – These are safeguards put into place to protect the marriage and help restore trust, for example, not having opposite sex close friends or deleting a facebook account if the affair was conducted via facebook, etc.

Emotional affair
- An affair where your emotional needs are met by someone other than your spouse, admiration, affection etc.

Physical affair - An affair that involves romantic physical contact. Can be physical without actually having intercourse

Thunderdome – A forum area of MA dedicated to discussing controversial subjects in a freer and more “blunt” manner

Carport - An area of MA that afford the poster some additional privacy but still gives others an opportunity to help and support

Peer counselling – The collaboration of other forum members in an effort to listen to, help, support, and advise those who request help

Trigger – An event, action, or even object that causes a memory or emotional response – for example, seeing a red car might remind one of the affair partner’s vehicle, or valentine’s Day might remind one of a time when a spouse was away from the marriage instead of home, etc.

Protected Boards
- The Waystation and The Carport. The terms of service agreement is much more stringently upheld, and has some variations compared to the general boards.

Meta Discussion - A discussion whose subject is a discussion. Meta-discussion explores such issues as the style of a discussion, its participants, the setting in which the discussion occurs, and the relationship of the discussion to other discussions on the same or different topics.

Alien - Idiom describing the self-absorbed, cold, often nasty stranger who seems to have taken over your spouse's mind and body when he/she is involved in an affair.

Fog - The dysfunctional state of mind evidenced by someone having an affair. Also: BS fog - the dysfunctional state of mind sometimes evidenced by those who have just discovered their spouse's affair.

Acrynom Definition Thread


Edited by lildoggie (10/12/11 03:23 PM)
Edit Reason: Updating

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#125577 - 06/23/11 08:18 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Amadahy]
herfuturesbright
Member

Registered: 09/15/10
Posts: 17282
Loc: The Castle Aaaggghh...
Oh NO you di-in't

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#125619 - 06/23/11 09:35 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: herfuturesbright]
SFB
Member

Registered: 09/08/10
Posts: 4911
Originally Posted By: heremainsfaithful
Oh NO you di-in't


Yes'im, She Did...

How about the abbreviations as well?

SFB
_________________________
Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)

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#125794 - 06/24/11 09:32 AM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: SFB]
herfuturesbright
Member

Registered: 09/15/10
Posts: 17282
Loc: The Castle Aaaggghh...
Actually she played right into my hands...when I sent her the thread title as a "joke," I knew she'd use it smile

We can do abbreviations too if needed

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#125843 - 06/24/11 10:47 AM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: herfuturesbright]
Amadahy
Member

Registered: 09/14/10
Posts: 3472
Like I told my coworkers the other night "never ask me to sing...cause I will."

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#125866 - 06/24/11 12:11 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Amadahy]
Fiddler
Administrator
Member

Registered: 11/16/10
Posts: 5975
Loc: Monterey, CA
clapsclapsclapsclapsclapsclapsclapsclapsclapsclaps
Great job ladies!

And your new handles are so spot-on! smile

Originally Posted By: Amadahy
Like I told my coworkers the other night "never ask me to sing...cause I will."
My line is "God gave me this voice - the least He can do is listen to it!" grin
_________________________
"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."

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#125888 - 06/24/11 01:02 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Fiddler]
star*fish
Board of Directors
Member

Registered: 08/05/10
Posts: 3936
Hello ladies! Can I second your awesomeness?

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#126049 - 06/24/11 09:38 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: star*fish]
Looking4
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 1064
Thanks, Amadahy.

Can you add gaslighting to you list?
_________________________
Married 19 years
Two children - DS12 & DD10

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#126108 - 06/24/11 10:57 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Amadahy]
AntigoneRisen
Board of Directors
President
Chief Technical Officer
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Registered: 08/05/10
Posts: 12428
Loc: The Dark Side of the Moon
Quote:
Administrator - Referee, lightning rod, and target. Staunch defender of the rules, while always being diplomatic. Exhausting sometimes. Deserve cookies and free pizza


smile What about chocolate? Can that be in the cookies?
_________________________
Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens

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#126110 - 06/24/11 10:59 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Amadahy]
AntigoneRisen
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President
Chief Technical Officer
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I have a more generalized definition of cake-eating, although my ability to state it in a fun-loving way is not high.

Cake-eating - Continuing to pursue the satisfaction of your wants and needs without consideration for the wants and needs of your partner.

I can - and do - apply the cake-eating concept to situations other than infidelity.
_________________________
Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens

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#126140 - 06/25/11 01:16 AM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: AntigoneRisen]
Amadahy
Member

Registered: 09/14/10
Posts: 3472
i wrote up gaslighting, but it wont let me edit my post anymore.

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#126510 - 06/25/11 09:52 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Amadahy]
Lil
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7386
Loc: Ness
I added gaslighting.

I also gave moderators all the chocolate smile
_________________________
AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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#126512 - 06/25/11 09:55 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Lil]
herfuturesbright
Member

Registered: 09/15/10
Posts: 17282
Loc: The Castle Aaaggghh...
Be sure and tell them whose idea it was......I'm running for office...or something

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#126565 - 06/26/11 09:15 AM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: herfuturesbright]
Ace
Advocate
Member

Registered: 08/25/10
Posts: 3268
Originally Posted By: heremainsfaithful
Be sure and tell them whose idea it was......I'm running for office...or something


I'll vote for you, HRF once you decide for which office (or something) you are running. grin

Great list that should be (if it's not already) be linked or reposted on Chrys' Welcome Wagon thread.

What do you think about including a few of the abbreviations, especially FOO for Family of Origin? That one stumped me for a long time. Others could be EPs, EA, PA, WS, BS, WAS, OW/OM/OP, TD and GAL...oh wait, GAL is listed and hopefully the above could be inserted like GAL.

Thanks for the list and all you do.

Ace


Edited by Ace (06/26/11 09:21 AM)
Edit Reason: add abbreviations I couldn't remember on the first pass
_________________________
We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story

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#127075 - 06/27/11 12:00 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Ace]
Not2fun
Member

Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 1882
Loc: Gateway to the West
Great job you AWESOME women!!!!..... claps

How about a definition for Meta Discussion. That term gets thrown around quite a bit and heck sometimes it still confoosses me..... scratch

Not2
_________________________
" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!

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#127283 - 06/27/11 07:33 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Not2fun]
Looking4
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 1064
Hi, Amadahy.

I wonder about the definition of marital recovery, only because I don't know about the word "restored".

The definition above for Marital Recovery is "when the marriage is restored from whatever satiation has jeopardized it, i.e. infidelity, addiction, neglect, etc."

I consider recovery a process that's ongoing, as dictionary.com defines it: "an act of recovering". Restored is past tense so it is a completed act, meaning if you have restored something you have regained or gotten back the thing that was lost.

In the context of this definition then with restored being the operative word, does marital recovery mean the husband and wife have worked through the trauma that hurt the M to get back the commitment to each other but nothing more?

Does it mean they have worked through the trauma and they've worked on other marriage problems so they have gotten back to a healthy (recovered) marriage?

Does it mean they've simply returned to the upright position and have decided to not divorce?

Perhaps none of the above?

And what is a recovered M? I know what I think it is (Mark1952's words of care, protection, honesty, and time come to mind along with equal and respect) but how are we collectively on MA defining it? Or perhaps it's up to the individual?

I don't mean to be disruptive on this awesome thread with so many questions. I'm working on the FWS guide and want to make sure I'm using the accepted, correct common terminology and I'm using it appropriately.

Thanks.
_________________________
Married 19 years
Two children - DS12 & DD10

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#127304 - 06/27/11 08:21 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Looking4]
herfuturesbright
Member

Registered: 09/15/10
Posts: 17282
Loc: The Castle Aaaggghh...
I think it might be somewhat individual. Although I confess to liking the past tense idea. I understand the AA concept of always being a "recoverING" alcoholic....but I don;t like that idea of always being a recoverING WS...which is what the idea of never "getting there" always felt like to me.

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#127305 - 06/27/11 08:25 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: herfuturesbright]
Lil
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7386
Loc: Ness
While I think a marriage is ever growing and changing, I like the past tense. You do come to a point where the problems that crop up, actually have nothing what so ever to do with infidelity.

Ergo: I am recovered, DH is recovered, our M is recovered, we still squabble smile

ETA: added meta discussion


Edited by lildoggie (06/27/11 08:30 PM)
Edit Reason: eta
_________________________
AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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#127432 - 06/28/11 12:53 AM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Lil]
Looking4
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 1064
If past tense, then perhaps it should be the definition for Recovered Marriage instead of Marital Recovery. I see "recovery" as an ongoing process or "act of recovering" and "recovered" as having successfully reached an end goal; i.e. having recovered or restored your M -- getting to a place where both spouses feel the the trauma has been worked through and the M is protected, happy and healthy.

I may be too scrutinizing.
_________________________
Married 19 years
Two children - DS12 & DD10

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#150342 - 08/24/11 08:58 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Looking4]
Lil
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7386
Loc: Ness
'Alien' and 'Fog' have been added to the glossary.

_________________________
AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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#166273 - 10/10/11 06:54 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Lil]
Lil
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7386
Loc: Ness
Added expanded description of walkaway spouse - many thanxs RHW claps
_________________________
AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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#166444 - 10/11/11 09:22 AM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Lil]
herfuturesbright
Member

Registered: 09/15/10
Posts: 17282
Loc: The Castle Aaaggghh...
She needs a nickname. I'm hot, Ama is amazing...RHW could be rocking?

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#167186 - 10/12/11 03:24 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: herfuturesbright]
Lil
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7386
Loc: Ness
OK smile

"restored Marriage " added - thank you Ama claps
_________________________
AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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#183818 - 11/30/11 05:30 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: Lil]
20yrsdone
Member

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 3333
Loc: Wonderland
Herf - you are definitely Smarticle, Hot and Amazing. Ama and RHW both have their own amazing attributes!!
_________________________
Accept what is,
Let go of what was
and have faith in what will be.

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#235304 - 05/23/12 09:45 PM Re: Hot Herf's and Amazing Ama's guide to MA vocabulary [Re: 20yrsdone]
Lil
Member

Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7386
Loc: Ness
Found these on TAM. While not all are in use on MA, they might come in handy for interpretation if someone comes from there to here:



Common Terms/Phrases About Infidelity

Bunny Boiler - taken from the Glenn Close character in 'Fatal Attraction', boiling her Ex'es pet rabbit. After a relationship break up, the person who wants some kind of revenge, like stalking, or harassment

Cake Eater – taken from the common phrase: Having their cake and eating it too. When the WS wants to have the security of marriage while at the same time, enjoy the affair. When the spouses are separated, the WS is described as cake eating when they try to keep in contact with the WS and give them the idea that the marriage can be salvaged, yet they are still carrying on the affair, in essence, keeping the BS on the line as their back up plan. Another term is “on the fence”.

DDay – Otherwise known as Discovery Day. This is the initial period when the BS actually learns of the affair, either through investigation, being informed of the A, or if the WS confesses to the A. The initial pain that occurs on DDay can be indescribable.

Emotional Roller Coaster – a normal result of being betrayed after D-Day. The BS will experience wide swings of emotion after being betrayed. These feelings can change from moment to moment or day to day, or as the result of having a trigger. One moment, the BS will feel extreme anger towards their WS, then the emotion swings the other way and they will feel love toward their WS and feel they cannot live without them.

False R – False Reconciliation is when the WS has kept in contact with the Other Person (OP) and taken the affair underground and the BS discovers the communication, or when the WS breaks No Contact (NC) and it is discovered. This False R is another DDay.

Fishing – due to the extremely strong addiction that an affair brings, one of the affair partners will break NC and attempt to send out a feeler or “fish” for renewed contact. This can be as simple as a “How are you?”, “Are you okay?”, “Miss You”, etc, which can be sent thru email, text, or a brief phone call.

Fog - The term “affair fog” is often used by experts and affair victims to describe the euphoria that someone involved in an affair feels. Think of how good you felt when you first fell in love. During this period, the cheater will often rationalize their actions in order to minimize their feelings of guilt — often to the extent that they “invent” reasons for having the affair in the first place. Healing from infidelity is impossible while one is in this fog.

The wayward spouse may convince themselves that they are in a bad marriage or that their spouse doesn’t really love or understand them, when that really isn’t necessarily the case. Soon the cheating spouse begins to actually believe these lies that they have been telling themselves and therefore act accordingly by treating their spouse badly yet treating their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. This is how the affair addiction begins to take momentum.

An affair fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. All the wonderful qualities each partner possess are without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. The affair partners are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to a teenager in love, and unfortunately it is very difficult to remove them from this fog.

http://coachingwithcouples.com/2010/06/the-affair-fog/

Hypervigilance – after the emotional devastation of D-Day, the BS often becomes hypervigilant because of the extreme emotional trauma as the result of all trust being broken by the WS. The BS will be watching the WS intensely, looking for any and all threats.

Hysterical Bonding – from the SI website: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Limbo – This is the stage every BS is in on and after DDay. The A can still be ongoing, or it may have already stopped. It’s called limbo because the BS has not moved toward D, and he/she not moved toward R. Only decisive action towards R or D will get the BS out of limbo. Many BSs are in False R because they tried to R too quickly before conditions and requirements for True R are met, and are therefore still in limbo. Being in limbo can be the most agonizing part of discovering an A.

Mind Movies – This is when a BS has flashbacks or imagines what the BS was doing with their AP, such as imagining them texting or talking on the phone, chatting on the computer, and/or imagining their WS having sex with their AP. Some mind movies are actually worse than what happened in reality, while others are tame in comparison to what their WS did with their AP (think porno style sex). Many BSs constantly have mind movies during the intial period right after DDay, or even before DDay when they suspect their WS is having an A. Mind movies can occur at any stage of the healing process, although it seems to occur less and less frequently as time goes by and the R process is going fairly well.

Rug Sweeping – the act of forgiving a wayward spouse for the affair too quickly and trying to reconcile with the WS and move on and put the affair behind them. This is the most common mistake that newly betrayed spouses make. No issues are resolved, and usually results in another D-Day. BS’s and WS’s rug sweep for different reasons. BS’s rug sweep because they are in shock and denial, want to avoid any further emotional pain and desperately want to save their marriages. WSs rug sweep because they don’t want to be held accountable for the affair and suffer any further guilt (if they have any guilt at all), or they want to take the affair further underground.

Going Underground – Upon being discovered on D-Day, because of the addictive nature of the affair and the WS still being in the fog, the WS will often continue the affair using more secretive means

Trickle Truth (TT) - the act of minimizing actions during an affair. The WS will often only admit after many denials, that information that he/she thinks their BS knows about. The truth only slowly trickles out after each new discovery that the BS makes. Each time TT happens, it is considered another D-Day, sending the BS into yet another agonizing incident of pain. For example: A WS will often say their AP is just a friend, then the BS will discover more. Only when confronted with more evidence or further questioning, the WS may only admit to hugging and/or kissing, then when confronted with more evidence or questioning, admit to having oral sex, or a single sexual encounter, when in reality, it was more than a single sexual encounter. WSs will often say the sex was bad.

Triggers - These are events or circumstances that will “trigger” a BSs memory of the A, or even trigger a mind movie. These can range from a holiday, a picture, the way a BS acts, etc. Basically anything that triggers a memory of the A or mind movies. Triggers can be devastating, and reminds the BS of the pain they experienced from the A. A remorseful WS should be helping the BS when he/she triggers. Triggers seem to come less and less often as time goes by. Some will always have some kind of trigger that reminds them of the A. It is completely normal to have triggers.

True R – True Reconciliation is when the WS has kept NC with their AP and it has been verified. This is when the WS is truly remorseful in their actions. They are willingly transparent, and their behavior has changed and they have recommitted to their BS, the marriage, and/or any children. A truly remorseful WS will not rug sweep and is willing to discuss the A without getting defensive. They are willing to be transparent without getting defensive. They are willing to do anything to help the BS regain their trust in them. Both spouses are working on themselves and the marriage.


Edited by Lil (01/09/13 02:25 PM)
Edit Reason: adding colour
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Just found out about your spouses affair?
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