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I'm learning to talk #11923
10/19/10 04:23 AM
10/19/10 04:23 AM
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catperson Offline OP
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I figured this was as good a time to start as ever. October 31 is my mom's birthday. She would have been 79. But she died in January. At the same time that I got banned from MB. Several people tried to help me at the time, urged me to go back to MB, beg for forgiveness, just to be able to continue there. I said no. But I was so alone.

Nine months later, I still cry when I think of my mom. I had never realized that, without her, I was utterly alone. I lost my childhood friends, and I avoided any potential new friends. I never really even maintained friendship with my mom, until the last year of her life, when I finally felt safe to tell her the truth about my life. Then she died.

I have never felt so utterly alone as I have this year. As much as I have distanced myself from people in my adulthood, I always felt I had a 'rebound' place - my mom. The one person who loved me no matter what. I never really told her the truth until the last year or so, but I was so thrilled to find out she was not judging me, as I had felt she had all my life. She just wanted me to stop hurting.

Tonight...DH came home from a meeting and told me all about it...I listened, I was supportive, and then I mentioned what I thought about it...and he grabbed the remote control and turned up the volume and commented about the tv show.

Ordinarily, I would have just turned off and said nothing. As I have all my life. As I was trained to do. Quit expecting anything for myself.

Today, in pain for my missing mom, alone, I got up and left the room and went to sit in the living room. When he noticed, he asked what I was doing, and I finally did what you guys have been urging me to do for years - I told him the truth: "I listened to you when you came home. But as soon as I said what I thought about the situation, you interrupted me and turned up the volume and commented about the tv show. It's embarrassing to know that your husband isn't interested in what you have to say. So I left the room, because I didn't want to be in the same room with you."

He later apologized, and helped me with matching socks and folding towels - his way of apologizing. AND he actually said "I can see how what I did was wrong; it was wrong for me to turn up the volume when you were talking."

Everything at its own pace.

Last edited by catperson; 10/19/10 02:22 PM. Reason: spelling
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #11928
10/19/10 05:30 AM
10/19/10 05:30 AM
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right here waiting Offline
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Yeah, but when the pace is slower than a glacier, it's hard to be appreciative sometimes. I get that, cat.

So sorry about your mom. And about the timing. I think the universe sets us up to take multiple hits. My mom died just a couple of months before my H started his A, and just two weeks after I lost my job (and my career, since jobs in that field are scarcer than ever).

It all has to be for something. Our job is to figure out what that is.

I'm glad you started a blog. (((cat)))

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: right here waiting] #11965
10/19/10 02:13 PM
10/19/10 02:13 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Wow, Cat, your own blog. I think it's so cool that even being sad, you were able to identify exactly what you were feeling, and able to articulate it like that. And cool how your H responded.

Have you read Larry's article on why abused women stay? It's not because they have no self-esteem or passively float through life. I encourage you to take a look, it's a very compassionate and empowering article. I pray that you can fix this from within, and when your H responds to you, it gives me hope.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: NewEveryDay] #11967
10/19/10 02:26 PM
10/19/10 02:26 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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Thanks guys. I know why I stay; it's because he's not really a bad person. He loves, he puts up with a lot, he's got amazing moral character, etc. If he wasn't all that and more, it'd be easier to leave. And in all honesty, as you guys have always said, all it would take to fix my marriage is for ME to change. He treats me this way because I let him and never said anything. Every time I stand up for myself, he adjusts himself; I just don't do it enough. But I'm learning.

I'll go read that thread. Thanks.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #11974
10/19/10 03:00 PM
10/19/10 03:00 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Quote
He treats me this way because I let him and never said anything.


My H didn't treat me and the kids like chopped liver because of our poor boundaries. He alone chose his behavior. When my mom remarried, and saw her H beat us, she went from time-outs, to beating us, with a belt, too. That was her choice. I know I could have likewise started treating my ODD worse when my H did, because she wasn't old enough to stick up for herself. I chose to protect her, not mistreat her. I wasn't successful in protecting her from everything, and she later says she had felt neglected, but I learned about myself that given the opportunity, I will not start laying into someone, just because the opportunity is there.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: NewEveryDay] #11978
10/19/10 03:34 PM
10/19/10 03:34 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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Good point.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #11981
10/19/10 03:47 PM
10/19/10 03:47 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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NED, I can't find that article you talked about. What's the thread called?

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #11987
10/19/10 04:03 PM
10/19/10 04:03 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Cat, I don't mean to come off like anyone is a pariah; I know it's not an all-or-nothing, I hear you that there are kind things your H does, many things that you love about him, too.

The article is in the Construction Zone I think, MEDC's Domestic Violence conversation thread. I didn't check to see if it made the final thread, too.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #11992
10/19/10 04:17 PM
10/19/10 04:17 PM
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silentlucidity Offline
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Originally Posted by catperson
all it would take to fix my marriage is for ME to change


No. All it would take to CHANGE the marriage is not just for you to change...even though it alters the dance thru your actions and reactions. It takes both of you to FIX the marriage. If your statement were true, I'd still be married to the Z. You have to have a partner who is receptive to the change and also recognizes their part.

The loss of your mother is difficult. I had a close relationship with my mom, and miss her dearly...it's been over 11 years since she died.
hugcatperson hug

Last edited by silentlucidity; 10/19/10 04:19 PM. Reason: clarify my point
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #12011
10/19/10 05:44 PM
10/19/10 05:44 PM
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soolee Offline
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((Cat)) You know how I feel about what went down over there. I could go on about it, but it fires me up. I didn't want you to apologize as much as I wanted you to continue with the ability to help people who needed to hear what you had to say. I thought it was good for them and good for you too. From your first post over there, I knew you were special and had a lot to contribute.

I still have my mother, but it's a small miracle in itself. She's had heart issues since the age of 12, and I lost count of the hospitalizations and surgeries over the years. Even younger cousins of mine lost their mother last month after a brief but tragic illness, and it humbles me so much - because I know how tenuous life can be, and the fact that at age 47 I still have her, makes me so grateful.

Anyway...I am so, so glad we all found this place or were led here, aren't you? We have a new home now, and we can continue learning from each other.

I can relate to your marriage in many ways too, and you're doing well Cat...I've gotten beyond thinking that 'someday' I'll have the ideal marriage. I've learned not to project like that. I work to get through the day, and during that day, I strive to listen more and try to at least not do damage (I know - stop chuckling - it's true). I figure if I don't make it worse, I'm doing A-okay. In the long term, I hope to do better, but I've also come to realize that as individuals our capacity to have that 'ideal' marriage is half contingent on another person's involvement in that effort as well.

So...for what it is worth, my friend, I am glad we're here, and I look forward to reading more of your posts.


Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: soolee] #12015
10/19/10 05:57 PM
10/19/10 05:57 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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Thanks, everyone.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #13869
10/26/10 02:51 AM
10/26/10 02:51 AM
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catperson Offline OP
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I had therapy today. Got it down to...I don't know how to just 'be' for myself. I told therapist about how, when I hear DH drive up, I jump up from the bed, hide the computer, and pretend to be working...because I don't believe I have the right to down time unless everything is done. How I was raised. She asked me to envision her coming home from a week of vacation, and just putting her suitcase down. She asked me to give a reason why she wouldn't just start washing her packed dirty clothes as soon as she got home, even at 11pm. I said, if something else needs to be done, and...well, I couldn't think of anything else. She kind of laughed and said, you can't think of ANY other reason not to do the laundry the night you come home? I said no. She said, what about 'you don't feel like it' or 'you're tired' or 'you'll get to it next weekend' or 'you feel like finishing the book you were reading on vacation first.' I told her I just can't think that way - I've been 'taking care of' things my whole life, and there IS no 'I'll just relax first.' I don't know how to do that.

So my homework this month is to stop jumping up and pretending to be working if husband comes home - to just SHOW him that I feel like relaxing for an hour a day. And also to find other ways, 3 or 4 times a week, to do something just for me, even if everything else never gets done.

That is gonna be hard.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #13870
10/26/10 02:59 AM
10/26/10 02:59 AM
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wiser_now Offline
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But sooooooooooooo worth it, as YOU are!

Hey Cat, was it you who mentioned the book "Captivating"? I am reading it and I thought it was you... let me know.

PS: YOU ARE DOING GOOD WORK. I'm glad you're blogging, too.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: wiser_now] #13883
10/26/10 04:00 AM
10/26/10 04:00 AM
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catperson Offline OP
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No, not me. I'll have to look into it.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #13901
10/26/10 11:14 AM
10/26/10 11:14 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Wow, cat, that sounds huge. Sounds like a beautiful opening for RC smile


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: NewEveryDay] #13911
10/26/10 01:35 PM
10/26/10 01:35 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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I also had a flat tire warning on my car, and instead of telling DH, I went and put air in the tires myself and it went away. Need to keep doing things instead of relying on him to build up my self esteem.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #13916
10/26/10 02:27 PM
10/26/10 02:27 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Wow, cat, look at you, identifying the things that build up your self-esteem. Have you checked out the Goddesses' thread yet?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: NewEveryDay] #13928
10/26/10 03:30 PM
10/26/10 03:30 PM
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silentlucidity Offline
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Originally Posted by cat
So my homework this month is to stop jumping up and pretending to be working if husband comes home


This is really great, cat! You know when you are doing what needs to be accomplished each day...when you are finished, well...you are finished. No need to PROVE anything by jumping up.

The tire thing...keep an eye on it...you could have a slow leek due to something being jammed in there (usually a nail or screw). If you do, take it to a tire repair shop and have them plug it for you...shouldn't cost much...maybe $20 at the most.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #13941
10/26/10 04:04 PM
10/26/10 04:04 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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I've got about 70,000 miles on them, so I'm trying to save up money to get new ones. I've had a few leaks repaired, and they keep saying they can't believe the tires have lasted this long.

Haven't looked at Goddesses. I feel weird at those places.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #13942
10/26/10 04:05 PM
10/26/10 04:05 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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The jumping up thing, it's a long story.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #13959
10/26/10 04:21 PM
10/26/10 04:21 PM
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Cat, I do this too. In my first marriage, I felt more accepted and I didn't feel I needed to be working all the time. In my current marrige, there are a lot of DJs and I feel I have to hide taking naps, watching TV shows I like, reading a book, etc. My H is very demanding of himself and others and can't understand why I don't work all the time. I have to learn to stop the jumping up thing too. I think if I stop hiding my actions, he may have some DJs but maybe I will learn to not let them bother me and he will stop over time. We have talked about it. I need to be more assertive.


I am working very hard to heal after 8 years in an emotionally abusive marriage.
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Misty] #13962
10/26/10 04:29 PM
10/26/10 04:29 PM
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Ladies, I can see how this is difficult. At some point, if you wanna break free of this you will have to be who YOU are, in all ways. If you are jumping thru hoops, you are not being genuine.

You do have to grow thicker skin and stop hiding. His DJ's stem from his beliefs, NOT YOURS. It's not possible to agree on everything IF you are being your true self. You will do things differently. If your husbands have valid complaints, that's one thing. In the absence of that, stop hiding.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #13973
10/26/10 05:05 PM
10/26/10 05:05 PM
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Misty Offline
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I know you are right, silentlucidity.

Maybe I have to play out what will happen if I take that nap in my mind to make myself realize that it is no big deal. H would probably make a DJ or two about it that day. If he happens to ask me about his LB progress that night, I could mention it to him and he would grumble about it but then write it in his journal. By the next day, he would probably totally forget about the whole incident.

If I did not take that nap, I would be foggy headed and not paying attention when he talked to me, which he would interpret as a LB. I would have a crummy rest of the day and would not get much done anyway.

So I know it makes more sense to be honest and true to myself and take that nap. Just have to let myself do it and not feel so guilty about it. I KNOW that I have a right to decide how I want to live and not let the fear of other's reactions dictate how I live.


I am working very hard to heal after 8 years in an emotionally abusive marriage.
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Misty] #14022
10/26/10 07:52 PM
10/26/10 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by VM
If I did not take that nap, I would be foggy headed and not paying attention when he talked to me, which he would interpret as a LB. I would have a crummy rest of the day and would not get much done anyway.


I have known lots of people who need at least a quiet break during the day, and many reports say that a short nap (15-20 minutes) daily is really good for you even helping to boost the immune system.

Perhaps you could discuss this with your H, asking if he enjoys when you are alert, and productive when he arrives home. Also, is it the actual NAP that is a LB? Is it his perception of what a nap says about someone, anyone?

I understand the guilt, and I have to work daily to combat it. Much of the time, it is me putting the pressure on myself, and my perceptions of what others think of my progress. I like to please others, but not above my own health. For me, right now, it's about keeping my home clean and keeping up with the job search. Some days I get tired of searching and don't do it. I tend to kick myself for not making the effort.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #14034
10/26/10 08:22 PM
10/26/10 08:22 PM
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Gateway to the West
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{{{{{Cat}}}}}}

Just because.....

Not


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
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