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looking for some support #1032
09/04/10 05:27 PM
09/04/10 05:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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alabama
heartbroken Offline OP
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heartbroken  Offline OP
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alabama
I just discovered that my husband of three years together for four has been talking with other women online. he also was sending intamate emails with a few girls he works with and belongs to several websites looking for casual sex and a discreet relationship. It turns out that he has been doing this since before we got married and he hasnt fully been honest. He has only admitted to the stuff that i have proof for. He said he has never cheated on me physically but just through emails and such. Im hurt lost and angry. We have three kids together and he has three from a previous marriage. I have bent over backwards for him and all the kids. I treat every single one just like i gave birth to them. I thought we were happy untill a few months ago and now i have proof that no i guess we never where happy. we have a lot of stress in our life both military and our youngest son is terminally ill and our oldest daughter was doing everything in the world to make our lives hard. yet i stayed turn to the marriage and he didnt...well he never had been true to our marriage
now im left feeling all this pain looking for some support.

Re: looking for some support [Re: heartbroken] #1034
09/04/10 05:43 PM
09/04/10 05:43 PM
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star*fish Offline
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I'm so sorry about what's happened to you, and you have so much other stuff on your plate too with a sick child and what sounds like a defiant teenager! I know it's hard to talk about all of this...but can you answer a few important questions?

How did you discover your husband's activities? Is he willing to do what's necessary to rebuild trust in the relationship? Or is he angry about being caught? Do you want to remain married and if he is willing to work on the marriage...can you forgive him?


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1035
09/04/10 05:57 PM
09/04/10 05:57 PM
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star*fish Offline
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While you're answering those questions, I want to make a few comments about the information you have provided. Some people might approach your situation strictly as "infidelity" because even if there was no physical contact (which you don't know for sure yet and can't count on), it is a form of infidelity and it's understandable that you're heartbroken and feeling completely betrayed. However, when I see a situation with so many varied and repetitive instances of online betrayal and activity...what comes to my mind is sexual addiction. He may not have had a physical relationship...sometimes this addiction is carried out completely online. But that is not something you should take for granted. There are many resources for information about sexual addiction, and I'm going to post some links for you to go and read in a minute.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1039
09/04/10 06:17 PM
09/04/10 06:17 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Recovery Nation is one of the sites I've heard many good things about. I also like "Can't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes who does a great job of explaining the difference and the many ways SA can be explored.

I hope you stick around. There are many people here who have been where you are. ((((((((heartbroken)))))))


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1041
09/04/10 06:31 PM
09/04/10 06:31 PM
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Big hugs going out to you.

Let's try to make this more manageable by looking at the different problems - kind of like how you eat an elephant, one bite at a time.

You have a very ill child, so that has got to be taxing you emotionally and physically. Be sure to get rest, try to eat, drink water and get some sleep. See a doctor if you can't manage that right now.

Raising step children is very difficult at best. I raised 2 sons, 4 step children and 2 of their step sisters. No matter how good a job you do, someone will be dissatisfied. It goes with having step children, and you can work on that later, after the other crisis.

Hubby is another matter, and we can help you deal with him.

We know the pain you're feeling, the confusion, the torment.
Now is not the time to be making any big decisions, just concentrate on looking after you and those children.

However things turn out, you will get through this. And it won't always hurt this way.

Keep reading and posting. We'll all be here for you.

And relax and give yourself a pat on the back for all you've done up to now.







"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: looking for some support [Re: believer] #1042
09/04/10 06:33 PM
09/04/10 06:33 PM
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Yes, I second RecoveryNation. They have an excellent online site and have a partners' forum.

Although I think I would put that off until you are feeling not so overwhelmed.

Re: looking for some support [Re: believer] #1045
09/04/10 07:04 PM
09/04/10 07:04 PM
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And just wondering how old your oldest daughter is. When we married, ours were from 3 to 14.

The oldest was a real challenge when she hit 15.

Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1050
09/04/10 08:31 PM
09/04/10 08:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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alabama
heartbroken Offline OP
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well i was snooping on his phone when i found some of the websites that lead me to his secret emails and then i broke into those and seen everything else. i honestly dont know if he willing to do what he needs to do in order to rebuild trust in the relationship. i think he is angry he got caught. i dont think he will admit it but he is still doing this stuff so i know hes upset and not willing to change it.Well if he decides to change and start being faithful to me then i can forgive him and would love to stay married but if he doesnt change and refuses to try and work on the problems then i cant keep this up. i cant keep crying myself to sleep or crying any chance i get.

Re: looking for some support [Re: believer] #1051
09/04/10 08:36 PM
09/04/10 08:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5
alabama
heartbroken Offline OP
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alabama
well the oldest is 15 however she has been sent to live with her aunt. She started telling her school that we were beating her because we didnt allow her to go to a party that friday. then we went on a marriage retreat and at the hotel she told the workers that were babysitting the children that we were beating her in the hotel. It got to the point that we couldnt risk her lies getting our children taken away. the social services realized she was telling lies when she changed her story for the third time. I hate it had to get to that point but it has relieved some stress in the house. the others are 11 and 9 and they are the best children i the world. very polite and well behaved. Our kids together are 4, 2, and 8 months.

Re: looking for some support [Re: heartbroken] #1052
09/04/10 09:00 PM
09/04/10 09:00 PM
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star*fish Offline
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What do you think about the suggestion that he may have a sexual addiction? Especially if he's still doing this stuff....even though he's been caught and it's created so much pain and conflict....that sounds even more like an addiction.

One of the signs of addictions is that even when an addict knows how destructive a certain behavior is...they don't stop. In fact, most of the time...they escalate because it takes more and more to get the same "rush" or excitement.

Here's a line that really troubles me:

Quote
he also was sending intamate emails with a few girls he works with


This is a huge red flag that his activities have gone farther than just online. These are people he knows...not some anonymous strangers from the Internet.

When you confronted him with the information you found...what did he say besides the denial of other infidelity? How has he been treating you since you found out?





"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1055
09/04/10 10:10 PM
09/04/10 10:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5
alabama
heartbroken Offline OP
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alabama
well he claims that it wasnt anything sexual...he was looking for other girls younger girls to make him feel good. he said that he was addicted to the internet and that was it.
he denied it till i showed him i had proof then he got pissed threw his wedding ring at me and stormed off. then after he calmed down he said that he doesnt know why but that it was only emails and he did really plan on buying gifts or going out of town to visit. he told me that one of the women calls the office often and that he would talk to her then. he said that he never got physical with anyone that the internet and chat was letting him be someone that he couldnt be in real life but that it never got physical. my gut says otherwise but i dont think that he will ever tell me the truth and i dont think his behavior will ever change.

Re: looking for some support [Re: heartbroken] #1069
09/05/10 02:05 AM
09/05/10 02:05 AM
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star*fish Offline
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heartbroken,

I'm trying to figure out what happened to my long response to your last post. Sheesh....I'm going to try and reconstruct it, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't forgotten.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1070
09/05/10 02:09 AM
09/05/10 02:09 AM
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star*fish Offline
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The fact that even he recognizes he may have an addiction is actually the most positive thing in your post. I hope that means that he understands it's a problem and that he'll need help to overcome his addiction. That's why I pointed you towards information on RecoveryNation, because they have good program for both of you IF recovering your marriage is something you can both commit to.

However, you also say that you don't believe he can ever be truthful or change....and if that's true...you're signing up for alot more heartbreak. frown



"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: star*fish] #1092
09/05/10 06:23 AM
09/05/10 06:23 AM
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catperson Offline
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The point is, you CANNOT stay married to a man who continues to contact other women. PERIOD.

Set your standards.

Re: looking for some support [Re: catperson] #1125
09/05/10 08:48 PM
09/05/10 08:48 PM
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I agree that there needs to be some changes in the marriage, and it is not going to happen overnight. I'm trying to think of a plan for heartbroken. I see her very ill 2 year old as the first priority. That has got to be taking up all of her energy right now, plus taking care of a large family.

Re: looking for some support [Re: believer] #1171
09/06/10 04:34 AM
09/06/10 04:34 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 247
Pacific Northwest
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(((((((((((Heartbroken)))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this hard, hurtful and what seems like in possible situation. On top of that, here you are with so much more to deal with. Children, can be our greatest joys and our most painful times as well.

Do you belong to a support group for your son who is terminally ill. I have three children. My youngest is 17 and just this week I was reminded of how narcissitic he is and how the world revolves around him, much like the person who is in the throws of an "addiction". It's like they become aliens that we don't recognize and quite frankly don't like.

I completely agree with the others, taking care of yourself is the top priority. There are a lot of people, who need your light, your guidance. It won't be easy, but you can get through this.

Do you have a relationship with G-d?

It may seem like you are alone, but many of us on here have walked through something very similar and somehow managed to find our way out of the darkness. You can too.

And hopefully you will let us walk with you.



Married 1-1-84 - D-day 5/14/07 - Recovery 8/1/09
I came here as skinsgal and became Queenie because G-d had plans for me, plans to prosper me.

Word(s) of the Week: Improving Communication In Marriage
Re: looking for some support [Re: heartbroken] #2019
09/10/10 04:51 AM
09/10/10 04:51 AM
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Posts: 10,887
HI
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HI
As long as he is in denial, there's no real way to help him.

So what are you doing to help yourself?

Personal recovery? Personal support group?

Let's talk about your options.

Take care,
L.


Orchid
Re: looking for some support [Re: Orchid2] #2056
09/10/10 12:52 PM
09/10/10 12:52 PM
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Heartbroken

you are in good hands here.
I am sorry for your pain.
Please do not believe a single word that has come from his mouth. It is most likely, almost 100% certain, that this has gone physical (and likely for quite some time).
I would give him ONE chance to come clean in a safe manner. Let him know that while you want the marriage to work, you NEED the truth to not only move forward, but to know the enemy with which you are dealing.
There is very little hope of you ever getting the truth without proof or forcing it from him. I am a HUGE advocate for polygraph exams. They provide the truth in about 3 hours time...and rather than spending 6 months to years trying to get your recovery started, you have an immediate starting line.
Let me repeat, he will lie about everything and swear to your face, on your children, that he is being honest. Don't believe it.
If you decide to go this route, let me know and I can make some recommendations for an examiner.
As a father to a young boy that I almost lost a year ago, I can tell you that I feel for you having to deal with this and the pain of a very sick child. Taking care of the both of you is the first priority. YOU need to be healthy and strong, in mind and body.
I know it is hard to believe, but now that you have uncovered his infidelity (at least a very small part of it) there will be opportunity for healing.
Be well and reach out for help as you need.

MEDC




Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: looking for some support [Re: Medc] #2136
09/10/10 05:27 PM
09/10/10 05:27 PM
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Aloha Medc,

It is good to see you hear. I have been reading some of your posts and find your helpful support, refreshing.

It seems our experiences in life can turn lemons into lemonade.

Keep up the good work.

Take care,
L.


Orchid
Re: looking for some support [Re: Orchid2] #2166
09/10/10 06:39 PM
09/10/10 06:39 PM
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Monterey, Ca
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Heartbroken you have come to the right place....There are many shoulders here to lean on when you need it. We all in some form have been right where you are now. The info and advice here is genuine and you will find a font of knowledge that we all will be willing to help you with.

It's going to be a rough road i won't lie to you but with determination I know you can make it through.


Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepair to die.
"Constant and determined effort breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles."
Re: looking for some support [Re: SIHW] #2340
09/11/10 11:47 AM
09/11/10 11:47 AM
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{{{{{Heartbroken}}}}}

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I see you are in the military, so you are probably far away from home and your family of origin. That's got to be tough in itself.

You'll find lots of help and support here, and some good plans.

Re: looking for some support [Re: weaves] #2424
09/11/10 11:00 PM
09/11/10 11:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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alabama
heartbroken Offline OP
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Im sorry that its been a while. I greatful for all the support im recieving. I will take all the advice to heart and keep everything in mind.

Re: looking for some support [Re: heartbroken] #2439
09/12/10 12:28 AM
09/12/10 12:28 AM
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How are things going now, heartbroken?

Are you home with your son? How is hubby acting?

Re: looking for some support [Re: believer] #2443
09/12/10 01:02 AM
09/12/10 01:02 AM
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I'm really glad you came back. When you feel up to it...please give us an update.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: looking for some support [Re: Orchid2] #2447
09/12/10 01:28 AM
09/12/10 01:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Orchid2
Aloha Medc,

It is good to see you hear. I have been reading some of your posts and find your helpful support, refreshing.

It seems our experiences in life can turn lemons into lemonade.

Keep up the good work.

Take care,
L.


Hi Orchid. Nice to see you here as well.

A big change for me is that I have learned to like the taste of lemonade.

I appreciate you saying hello.

MEDC



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

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