What I find so powerful about these recommendations is how they only rely on my boundaries and not what may or may not be going on for the other person.
I continue to be amazed at how powerful it is to just work on my end of things, specifically boundaries, in any situation.
Like you said, the intent of the other person doesn't really matter; the important thing is that I exercise good boundaries. One example is with a neighbor. Because I felt sorry for the circumstances, I neglected to use appropriate boundaries for the situation until it became dangerous to me. Another example is with someone in the same self-help group who just does not like me and is pretty transparent at what the intent is for their actions at any given time. Good boundaries make it possible for that person to do whatever they feel the need to do without it becoming harmful to me. Annoying sometimes, Lol, but not harmful.
...the gaslighter has no motivation to change if what they are doing gets them what they want.
For that matter, I don't change anything that isn't causing me some kind of problem. Lol
It's easy for me to judge what someone else "should" do but the reality is that if they are getting what they want then it would be unwise for them to change what they're doing. And unwise for me to put all the control of my getting what I want or need in their hands. Until I enacted the current boundaries, the neighbor had zero motivation to change actions.
And here's the biggest lesson of the whole thing: Claims that certain behavior was not within the person's control somehow got magically managed when better boundaries were used on my end.
Same lesson from the last days of my marriage. Hopefully, I really get it now. Lol
LG, please don't try to get around the kids and quarantine. It's no joke where I live. And it will get worse before it gets better. I'm happy to stay put until this is over. I am blessed that my kids are all close enough to drop food to the porch. I'm cooking a bit for pick up.
I heard of Zoom this past week when my whole family did a visit with my grandson. Maybe you could do that with your grand... it was pretty cool. You can chat and play and read. I'll bet that your grand would love to have books read to him that way until you can get together in person again.
Miranda, what a blessing you are to us! Thank you for all that you have done that brought you to this point and for all that you will do because of it.
Ace, I hear ya about the old thing. Before we were required to stay home, my grandson got sick (thankfully it was the flu!) on the day that he was scheduled to spend the night at my house. He called me to tell me that he wouldn't be coming because I'm old and he was protecting me.
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....... Keep a watchful eye on your H until he can earn back trust over time.
This is an important post. Don't shadow or harass him but as Blair posted....'keep a watchful eye'..... He needs to EARN back your trust, don't freely give it to him. Y? Because he still has the roots of a WS entwined in his heart.
Understood and I agree completely. I intend to remain extremely watchful; no plans to let my guard down.