NED has some great suggestions. Also remember the purpose of NC. It is a temporary status while you get strong enough to be able to deal with him as he is vs as he should be.
NC is a technique to discourage interaction with the WS. The less in front of a Ws, the less it causes his focus. Depending on the type of WS he has become or becoming, the distance will make it easier to disconnect or force him to fight to win back his family.
WS' have short attention span, they also tend to rewrite history badly. Knowing those 2 pieces of WS tendencies will help you know what to expect and how to prepare for it.
So you don't have hide anywhere. No one needs to hide but each needs to own their choices.
I remember telling the WS he was not allowed to come to our home grouchy. That he needs to show his 'happy face' because it came at the expense of our pain. So we can show pain but he was not allowed to.
Now just the fact I made that demand, he was going to fight it. Imagine the weird disconnected half smile and growl because his physical side couldn't handle the dual personality fighting within.
This information empowered me because I didn't have to receive or accept that face in my home. Changing the locks helped. I made it so that if he was allowed in (his office was in our home - he was a gardener / landscaper), I could leave off the deadbolt and he could come in. I controlled his access. Once he got through is head that he was a guest vs resident, it became easier. Until then it was like dealing with an addict and I had to be tough. It was temporary so I planned accordingly. Periodically, I'd remind him that this was not a battle he needed to have. He wasn't and din't win at that one. He slept in his truck for several months (in the winter) in protest. I learned not to feel sorry for him.
My parents paid for 24/7 help during my Dad's last illness. My sister flew down once. Her son flew down once. I flew down twice. We did it for them. But we also did it for ourselves. I would have been very insulted if my Mom had said "please don't come". Not sure what I would have done. Accepted her decision with regret? Foisted myself on them? I am glad she did not make me choose. I am very glad I got to say goodbye. I hope you find a way in your heart to let them be with you.
orchid you are absolutely right. I've been trying to convince myself that the addiction does not define who he is. that if he is trying to get help for it then he can recover and be a better person but right now …. his choices, his actions and words do all define him. he can either be a WS or choose to recover from it. Right now, he is not choosing recovery. I know he is not my husband. he is not the man he was and that i still want to believe he can be, i have to live in the now - not some fantasy land that I want to live in. again, this is why i come here. i need the reality check. the sanity check. thank you..
Hope everyone is doing well. Life has been rolling along swimmingly, just in need of arm floaties. I had the house formal appraisal by the new bank yesterday. It was hours of work, now deep cleaned/re organized from the basement to the rafters. Even though I paid people to help, it still was hours of work.
I was not there (Union steward stuff) so my kid allowed the appraiser in. She asked tons of questions, exact opposite of purchase appraiser. Interesting to see what it comes back as valued.
I was a sick bank committee rep yesterday at school. A staff member I used to know presented her case. I was shocked to see the person sitting there. Hardly a shel of the vibrant, kind elementary art staff I knew. Her divorce was nasty, her child seriously self harming herself from the ordeal.
That is "temporarily disabled" to work definition. She was only asking for a few days.... holy cr@p, they raked her over coals. Being new, I sat there as they pried, I thought they have no right to ask her those types of details. For two fracking days. I said to her "you have given plenty of detail.. WE-- (side eye) -- are good." They probably don't like me now.
I thought of places like here, where people gather for online support. I hope she gets support.
We hope you find our board to be a useful place to exchange ideas, and to seek support for your marriage, especially if your marriage is in crisis. Our members are made up of men and women working cooperatively to improve, build, or rebuild our marriages. Some have just begun, others have many years of wisdom and experience.
Our support forums are not the same as professional counseling or coaching, and are not meant to take their place. When you need support and encouragement - or a friendly voice to give you advice - we are here. Many of us have been where you are now and understand how alone you may feel... and we are here to support you.
We also have forums to discuss and review the various books, websites and marriage programs that are out there today. Our members are available to share what they know about the resources that are out there.
A great place to start is our Articles section here
Is she the broker/owner of the real estate office? If not, at the end of the contract, when you've aligned with a different realtor, go in and have a sit down with the broker and tell him/her what this gal is pulling on gutting the price at the beginning of peak selling season and your other concerns. That way the boss knows why the contract went away and he can either train her or invite her to move on. I'd do that in addition to a YELP review.
Yes the OW is a piece of work. I laugh because I can still hold my head high and I will never give her any satisfaction of reacting. Unfortunally I do not have anyone who could or able to purchase the house. I wish I had. Also this realtor suggesting alterative is a huge laugh she's is only looking for a quick pay out. She's a joke as well... should hang out with the OW.
Re: your anger. I think that people who are being abused focus all their attention on survival - not setting the other person off, careful of your steps and words, etc. Such that when you've finally gotten to a safer place, you are then free to open up your box of feelings. You're kind of 'free' or 'safe' to feel, so to speak.
Sigh, i think I have been forced to experience most of this list of 80 and even more. .
While this is a hard list to believe much less experience, it is important to know this list is based on real experiences that can and have happened to many of us. We should not be fooled into thinking 'this can't happen to me'. That kind of denial is dangerous and fuels most affairs.
Thanks for sharing this list. It is a healthy reminder of what life during an A really sounds like and the feelings it invokes is chilling.