Maybe but I know his mom and she was not some uptight mom. She raised 4 boys—3 of them in 6 years. They were rough and tumble and she was rough and tumble back. But yes they do respect her and maybe dh just thinks ds is disrespectful all around to me. But for years I have not been able to establish my own relationship with ds if dh is around because Dh is always correcting, correcting, corecting. I often want to say ‘leave him alone!’ To dh about ds.
Last night we were eating tacos and ds asked if he could have some Diet Coke. I told him yes if he would pick up some more before he came home later. Dh didnt like it. But then again, I am constantly irritated because dss eats the last of things often....and he is like 75-100 pounds over weight so I have to really bite my tongue.
Things have been better though. Ds started his second semester yesterday and he is pretty nervous about it.....so I do what I can to encourage him...make sure he is fed and listen to him talk....you know —be a mom.
Originally Posted by Blair
I don't see it as ridiculous. You might have thought it was playful fun, but your DH sees it as disrespectful to throw food at their mother. It may come from an experience in his childhood.
Both viewpoints are valid, so careful and patient communication would be important so that you don't get frustrated with your DH about it or tell him he's wrong. You could easily tidy up the experience with DS by telling him you appreciate his sense of humor and keeping things fun, and also validate your DH for watching over you and protecting you.
Yes he has a key still allowed being he is 1/2 owner but he does not come in when I am not here. In the past when he did come over it was only when I was home and I told him he had to call first. Then he knocks until I answer. Also I'm sure he knows that some mail is coming here, all he has to do is contact me and ask and he can retrieve it. Also all he has to do is ask our daughter and she can even get it to him. He may not do this for the OW isn't welcomed and he is not allowed to go anywhere without the OW along. So there is a few ways.
I found this while watching a You Tube video my cousin sent about pets reuniting with their owners. Out here on the Big Island pets are often lost or abandoned due to the flooding, volcano and even earthquake events. She sends links about this all the time.
I'm not a FB person but when watching what she sent me, I found this and wanted to share.......
Learning about life can come from so many places and things. Some of which is humorous and still a learning event.
We hope you find our board to be a useful place to exchange ideas, and to seek support for your marriage, especially if your marriage is in crisis. Our members are made up of men and women working cooperatively to improve, build, or rebuild our marriages. Some have just begun, others have many years of wisdom and experience.
If your marriage is in trouble and you need support, check out our support forums. We have several forums, figure out whichever fits your situation best, and start posting!
Our support forums are not the same as professional counseling or coaching, and are not meant to take their place. When you need support and encouragement - or a friendly voice to give you advice - we are here. Many of us have been where you are now and understand how alone you may feel... and we are here to support you.
We also have forums to discuss and review the various books, websites and marriage programs that are out there today. Our members are available to share what they know about the resources that are out there.
A great place to start is our Articles section here
Helpful info for you:
Safety first! For tips on protecting your privacy read Internet 101: Protecting Yourself Online
In order to get tips and suggestions that will maximize and hopefully ease your experience here, check out Chrysalis' Welcome Wagon
Initially the acronyms and abbreviations can be overwhelming. The full lists can be found here and here
Not sure of what you're looking for? Try The Directory
General Forum Rules
* Please do not spam or grossly self-promote in these forums. If you have a blog to share, by all means, link to it in your signature. If you have written an article appropriate to a particular topic, please let us know.
* Please do not use this venue to drum up business for your goods or services.
When you get a chance, please post on the "How did you Find MA?" thread to help with our marketing process.
Welcome aboard... and we look forward to getting to know you!
P.S. When you see a blinking white envelope near the top right-hand side of your display, that's the "You've Got Mail" indicator. Please click on the blinking envelope to check your PMs (Private Messages).
Interesting comparison with ML and your mom. I sense you feel relief. It is ok to feel relief. Not everyone gets to keep a good name in their life if they haven't kept their name good. Make sense?
This means it is ok to acknowledge reality vs go into denial. There's a saying: “A name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one’s being born.”
Now you get to focus on what is important in your life going forward. It is sad that your mom choose to leave the memories of her mistreating of others as her last way she is remembered. It is her choice.
In my case, my father did the same. His life ended with him not leaving good memories. His choice. Our reality.
What plans do you have or do you need a bit of recoup time before thinking about tomorrow?
Welcome to MA. Thanks for your supportive post to Sam.
It is good you can help persons going through difficult times as Sam is going through. It is real important to help a BS (betrayed spouse) and family learn how to balance these types of bad situations and the rest of life's obligations.
If you would like to share about how you came to find MA and if we can help in any way, please share with your own thread.
Orchid I get it, your Mom wasted years on someone who wanted to do her wrong, not good. So many experiences you wanted with her and with your son. Then your Dad passed, without resolution, without acknowledging he was sorry for how he treated your Mom. Grieving him, you see how many years you tried to do for others who can’t be helped. You want them to fight for themselves as hard as you have. But they let their struggles still get the best of them. They deserve the dignity to decide this.
So this is the next phase, after grieving your parents, and you want to make different decisions. To invest in folks who are investing in themselves too. MA has been a place like that, where folks are willing to do the work it takes to rebuild.
Ned, Perfectly recapped. I dub you to write all my posts.
Same for WSt as well, lots of wasted time on him. He is still alive and his ability to make his improvements are on him and him alone. That's ok. I still grieve for him asl well since his loss of goodness hurts my heart. He had such potential but his inability to maintain integrity contributed to all that has happened.
So to add to your great post, loss of integrity and goodness results in sadness. Anger and revenge are temporary relief measures that are often not healthy. Can be useful at times but not always.
I now focus on viewing things in a much more balanced view. For myself, my boundaries include valid integrity and goodness. They are measured to be sure since integrity in the wrong place or person can be misguided with grave consequences. Goodness is relative so basing both on a source that has an unchangeable stance (in my case proper understanding of Biblical principals, not to be confused with biblical opinions) requires I stay educated and informed of accurate knowledge.
The one thing that does do is keep me humble, for I know there is more I can learn even at this older age. To be pious that results in hypocritical attitude and actions is not acceptable to me. No one on this earth at this time is perfect. We would like to be but none of us are. So constant reminders to stay on track, balanced and focused as needed is important.
This doesn't mean all will be well. For now, all is tolerable. Looking forward to a time when all can be well is in the future for now. Coping skills become more valuable in these situations.
I have learned to know when to appreciate good advice, opinions and counsel. Also learned when to recognize bad advise, opinions and counsel. Working hard on honing those skills and helping others develop similar skills. It's about understanding principals vs laws but also knowing what laws need to be utilized as needed.
There is not one size fits all for every situation and we shouldn't get lazy about doing so. If we work with our personal boundaries, know and apply good principals, be law abiding to where it doesn't conflict with our trained consciences, then we can deal with almost every situation that pops up. Even the ones bent on hurting us the most.
For some, prayer is a vital part of that protection to keep us sane. Just make sure you are praying to one who can answer those prayers. It's like asking a parent, teacher, boss, judge or other person of authority for advice. If it is good advice and we disregard it, it's our fault. If is bad advice and we follow it, it is a combination of faults but still partially our fault and we must own up to it. The best scenario is to get good advice, understand and implement it. Owning our part of our decision.
Hope this makes sense. Posting helps me get it out there so I can solidify it for myself.
Cat, that sounds awesome. I know this is a hectic time of the year to bring up vacation, I only spoke up now because Friday my coworker told me about the additional vacation days because we started around the same time. The Galveston one looks gorgeous! I saw there is one in Orlando, that reminded me to tell you we’re going with family MLK weekend in January if you’d like to join us. And you know November we usually meet up with Acey and RHW, you’re always welcome to join us, I’ll just get a bigger suite. Do you like to do water stuff? The Galveston one looks great for that. Maybe like September it’s still warm? Or if you want to save the timeshare I ‘d love to see your house, all the stuff you recommend to OBL, it sounds like there would be plenty to do.
About the kids, I’ve been validating them as we go, and I told OD if it was me I’d chill at her uncle’s house for a few days. It sounds like things finally settled down and they made their peace.
This brother is coming with his gf and my niece to rent a room in my house for a year. To save up money for a down payment for their own home. I think this will be a win-win, we get to see my niece a lot more, I’ll get a little side income, and they get a cheaper rent, and sitter so they can go out.
I looked into that but there are non around here. He opened up at small group at church, which really helped. I joined a support lead by my therapist on fb, which is also very useful. He is thinking of starting one for the WS too but none so far. Thank you all for being here and helping.
Oh wow this is just what I seem to need to hear. Thank you so very much for posting this. I just wrote this long update on my thread that I am stuck with these negative emotions and here you are posting the answer to it, days ago. THANK YOU