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Blogging Central
05/19/19 11:13 PM
Keep painting and catching up with friends. That's an excellent thing.

I'm sorry to hear about flooded basements. That sucks. I hope tbose retaining walls hold up.
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Other Topics
05/19/19 10:10 PM
Aloha,

Watch this short clip about an Oklahoma Surgery Center interview with it's founders. Entitled: What is direct primary care? An alternative form of health care avoids insurance altogether.

Direct Primary Care

An interesting read.

Orchid
15 1,981 Read More
Blogging Central
05/19/19 09:48 PM
I agree with Mun's general principal. However, for the sake of safety, sanity and survival, that POV doesn't always work. The fact is, there are more people in the world who we need to recognize and deal with on a realistic level. If some of them are persons we are related to, work with, go to school with, socially connected with, we need to decide how to recognize and handle such toxic relationships.

LG, you are a smart woman but like many of us that level of intelligence doesn't mean you are emotionally equipped to handle toxic relationships from the very folks who you have been brought up to respect and obey (especially for children).

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
So here's what I'm wondering. If you are nice to someone consistently over a long period of time when you really don't want to be that nice, does that make you a nice person or a complete hypocrite?


Orchid: Definition of nice will vary.
Question: Is it always nice to pet a friend's dog?
Answer: Depends on the dog and maybe even the friend.

Question: What do you call a person who is nice only because they feel they have to be?
Answer: Some would say that's being civil or polite.

Question: Does that mean you allow the other person to abuse your being civil and polite?
Answer: You have the option not to.

FYI: Pick and choose your battles wisely. I told my then H that when I care for someone, I will do my best to reach out and help as needed. When I don't care for someone, I am civil and polite but not necessarily going to stop everything I'm dong to help them.

Example: Others I have found are difficult to read in the 'good friends' department. Those folks will shy away from truly helping by their silence instead of true friendship. They often use the excuse, ' well I didn't say anything (withholding important information) because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.'

NOTE: If it was a one time minor matter, that could be chucked aside and written off as bad POV, then so be it. However, if it happens on a regular basis and/or involving a serious matter (i.e. not telling me when my father died), then it does no good to ignore bad behavior. Such persons hide their inability to speak truthfully behind phony and weak excuses.

Hard to trust someone like that. Let's not mix that up with folk who feel compelled to hide their true feelings due to abuse they have received or guilt that has been heaped upon them.

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
For example, I was nice to my mother for years whilst disliking her and being terrified of her in equal measure. I was seldom honest with her about my life and my feelings. Am I a nice person or a hypocrite? Was it better for her to die with the lie that I cared about her? Or should I have been honest? In essentially lying to her for decades, did I unfairly deprive her of information she could have used to become less hateful?


Orchid: You should have been honest but the 1st question should have been why you didn't know how to be respectfully honest and stand up for yourself.

I found letting such persons know that I am trying to respect them but their actions are making it difficult for me to do so, can be helpful. Even if such persons don't get it, the case is being made that sincere attempts to be respectful are being met by their hostility and abuse. Can't undo that once it is said out in the open.

I dealt with my father's issues that way. He went from being my father and friend that I respected to a manipulative liar and cheat who hid behind a persona of a respectable family man. He fooled a lot of folks.

I wasn't fooled and because I loved my parents, I tried to get him help. He refused and plotted against me but that was his choice. I can tell you that I have no regrets on the steps I have taken and currently taking, even if it didn't work in my favor as it should have. My goal isn't what I should have gotten, it is the conscience I have to live with. I thought long and hard before I exposed my father for the abuse he was giving my mother, myself, my family and a few others. To stay silent for me was not an option. I knew not everyone would get it but I am highly disappointed in those folks who choose to stay in denial. Still their slow or non learning curve is not my problem.

You can't control how hateful or not your mom chose to be. You can only control who you are and choose to be. My father died with a lie and his OW wife along with my sister benefited from that lie. That might seem like the odds are stacked against me. From a totally human standpoint, it would look that way but I have a higher relationship with a very powerful, just, kind, loving and wise person who I have been able to unburden my pain and suffering. I don't just receive comfort from this person. I receive the knowledge and wisdom to know how to proceed. It is amazing what I have been able to put together over time.

I'm not a patient person but have learned to be. I reflect much on what my grandmother and mother have told me over the years in addition to my other and current support persons. The truth does come out and the time of regret has been minimized. We can all do better but the world around may not be able to keep up with us. wink

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
Sometimes it is impossible to be nice and honest.


Orchid: Yes, it isn't easy and it won't be under current conditions. Knowing this is half the battle. You won't spend a lot of time in the land of shock and despair.

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?


Orchid: You are probably right and if she were alive, do you honestly believe she would admit it? That alone is a huge barrier to break down and if your mom wasn't going to cooperate, then it is on her not you.

Many who have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) won't admit it. As you know my in-laws carry this as a family illness in varying levels of severity. It is sad. They see it in others but not themselves.

Not all of them but sadly, most of them have NPD. Most don't recognize it and even if they do, they refuse treatment. Yet they live within society with their hidden abusive tactics.

In such cases, MUN's recommended practice may not be as practical unless you temper it with boundaries. That is what I have done.

The hard part is when they fall or die, the need to beat up ourselves with guilt is strong. Sometimes such persons may even try to play the victim or die playing the victim card. That can erroneously point guilt our way. Making our lives absorbed with clearing our name or seeking justice.

Learning to not carry unwarranted guilt is hard. It requires setting strong boundaries and a constant check to make sure we don't go off the rails. It requires maturity.

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I was nice to her even when she was hateful ("you've never cared about anyone but yourself") because it was easier than calling her on her vitriol. I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?


Orchid: You were and are a good person. The then easier way 'to be nice' very firm, is part of the reason why you may feel some guilt.

Your question: I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?
Answer: No. In hindsight that is easy to see but at the time, did you see it? Were you able to get assistance to see it? How would you help someone now to see it so they don't loose precious years like we have?

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I spent a metric ton of emotional capital on doing the right thing by my parents so I never had to feel guilty, and I am not at all sure it was worth it. I'm still so emotionally worn out. Of course, I did just have my right tit cut off and you really wouldn't believe how ugly this thang looks -- it makes the other thang look positively ready for Playboy. I suspect that plays into my fatigue but don't see much I can do about it. I am going to go into the plastic surgeon this week to have them take a look and tell me this is what it is supposed to look like. Beyond that, it seems to me it is what it is and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.


Orchid: You are reflecting now and may have some regrets. We all do. Knowing now that you can control your regrets going forward is power you have within you.

As for your surgery, that was a challenge you conquered. If I may share, I for one am proud of your scar. We may not be able to fully control diseases developing within us but conquering them whether permanently or even temporary is worth it. I would wear those scars with honor vs shame. wink

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
John shot himself 25 months ago and since then it has been one thing after another, each trauma quick on the heels of the last. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I'm not depressed, but I am tired and I wish my husband would cut me a little slack. I don't think he has a clue what a beating this has been.


Orchid: I'm sorry about your nephew's decision that has hurt you and your family so much. Like yourself the trauma and drama in our lives seem to be non-ending.

Realize that all this suffering is our current reality and that some are either not capable or empathy illiterate. For those who are not aware their actions of non-care is hurtful, let them know in as loving a way as possible. If they still don't get it, walk away. That is what I have done.

Some maybe slow learners.

LG, you are working through this and not all can work at the pace or space that you current are finding yourself. Out here we say that is their 'kuleana' (Hawaiian for responsibility - referring t to a reciprocal relationship between the person who is responsible, and the thing which they are responsible for).

I have more to post but this one is long enough. wink

Hope this helps,
Orchid
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Blogging Central
05/19/19 09:27 PM
Excellent update and congratulations to you and your daughter.
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Other Topics
05/18/19 07:54 PM
My cousin sent 2 pictures of toddlers hiding the wheel well of a car. It's on FB and I don't know how to copy and paste a picture from there but here is an article about the circle of safety check.

Maybe we can have other posts about things we need to be aware of.

Circle of Safety Check - Toddler and pets in vehicle wheel wells

Take care,
Orchid
0 20 Read More
Blogging Central
05/18/19 01:25 PM
Originally Posted by catperson
...My personal test will come tonight; DH has made steps that tell me he is going to want to have sex tonight. Yet he still hasn't found the two things I can sell, hasn't fixed the garage door opener, hasn't done much of anything around the house except make a box to put around DD's baby shower present (shower is tomorrow) so I can wrap it. So I'm like do I stand up for myself and risk wrath or let him give me a massage (my prerequisite before sex these days, as I'm in so much pain all the time)?


Cat, I realize my comment is too late for this latest dilemma.

I see you waffling once again when it comes to your own stuckness. Why?

You have great clarity in recognizing and responding FIRMLY to boundary issues when it comes to advising others on this forum.
But...when it comes to your own situation, well, you simply melt into a puddle. It is as if you have two different personalities inside of you.

I am thinking specifically about your excellent obervations and advice to Obl.
However, when it comes to execution, Obl has it all over you. He KNOWS what his issues are, and he takes active measures to address them.

You are in a far worse circumstance than he, both emotionally and financially, yet are stuck in wimpy waffling.

Seeking validation for your uncertainty or insecurity won't get you anywhere but to validate that it's okay to waffle (which is a major form of avoidance).
Avoidance of what? Of enforcing your own boundaries, instead of constantly negotiating affirmation of your ambivalence and lack of power.

Come on, you KNOW what to do. Till you do it, you will be playing this fiddle forever. Maybe that is your true goal.
There is no half-way.

My thoughts...



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Infidelity and Abandonment
05/17/19 09:24 PM
Get a second opinion. Go see several bulldog attorneys and ask if they have a free consultation.
78 2,450 Read More
Welcome Newcomers!
05/17/19 03:09 AM
[Linked Image]



Hello Firework,

Welcome aboard!!!
waves


We hope you find our board to be a useful place to exchange ideas, and to seek support for your marriage, especially if your marriage is in crisis. Our members are made up of men and women working cooperatively to improve, build, or rebuild our marriages. Some have just begun, others have many years of wisdom and experience.

If your marriage is in trouble and you need support, check out our support forums. We have several forums, figure out whichever fits your situation best, and start posting!

Our support forums are not the same as professional counseling or coaching, and are not meant to take their place. When you need support and encouragement - or a friendly voice to give you advice - we are here. Many of us have been where you are now and understand how alone you may feel... and we are here to support you.

We also have forums to discuss and review the various books, websites and marriage programs that are out there today. Our members are available to share what they know about the resources that are out there.

A great place to start is our Articles section here

Helpful info for you:

Safety first! For tips on protecting your privacy read Internet 101: Protecting Yourself Online

In order to get tips and suggestions that will maximize and hopefully ease your experience here, check out Chrysalis' Welcome Wagon

Initially the acronyms and abbreviations can be overwhelming. The full lists can be found here and here

Not sure of what you're looking for? Try The Directory

General Forum Rules

* Please do not spam or grossly self-promote in these forums. If you have a blog to share, by all means, link to it in your signature. If you have written an article appropriate to a particular topic, please let us know.

* Please do not use this venue to drum up business for your goods or services.

When you get a chance, please post on the "How did you Find MA?" thread to help with our marketing process.


Welcome aboard... and we look forward to getting to know you!

RHW waves

P.S. When you see a blinking envelope near the top right-hand side of your display, that's the "You've Got Mail" indicator. Please click on the blinking envelope to check your PMs (Private Messages).
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Blogging Central
05/17/19 01:34 AM
Smashed phones - not your problem. Ok, to acknowledge it as a bad thing but that's it.

SS's graduation - that's a feat that should have positive acknowledgement and encouragement. He needs that right now.

OS getting engaged - depending on how you feel about it, if he's old enough to get engaged, he should be old enough to take care of all that entails. If that's what is happening, then showing some encouragement is a good thing. Otherwise he may expect you both to fix it.

jmo,
Orchid
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Infidelity and Abandonment
05/15/19 11:44 PM
She's not worth responding to. Keep ignoring anything that isn't about the kids or finances.
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Infidelity and Abandonment
05/14/19 10:23 PM
That sounds like a really nice thing to do with your children helping with their toys. How sweet!
1,552 21,717 Read More
Other Topics
05/11/19 07:13 PM
Originally Posted by Fiddler
I’m in shape .....


.... ‘cause round is a shape! grin



lol Too funny Fiddler. lol
1,172 1,978,710 Read More
Other Topics
05/11/19 11:33 AM
Per Wunderground.com: Flash Flood Watch until SAT 7:00 PM CDT
...FLASH FLOOD WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT THROUGH 7 PM TODAY... The Flash Flood Watch continues for * Portions of Arkansas, Louisiana, and Texas.......

To our MA ohana in those regions,

Please let us know how you are dong. Please be safe.

Take care,
Orchid
1 195 Read More
Infidelity and Abandonment
05/04/19 11:27 AM
SP,

How are you doing?

Take care,
Orchid
41 760 Read More
Other Topics
05/03/19 08:09 PM
Aloha,

I just got this from my cousin. Our family eats asparagus on a regular basis. Yes, it can be an expensive veggie but I think it is worth it in reasonable amounts.

Want to share this with you all.

Subject: Asparagus DO NOT FAIL TO READ THIS AND SEND TO YOUR FAMILY &FRIENDS When I was in the USN, I was stationed in Key West, FL. I worked at the clinic at Naval Air Station on Big Coppitt Key just a few miles north of Key West. The hospital at Key West was for out- patients only, for retired armed forces personnel that lived in the area. If you needed to be hospitalized you were sent to Homestead AFB Florida. I had the day off and just went inside the hospital (Corpman barracks were next to hospital). There was a retired Navy man that worked in the lab and he was very interesting gentleman to talk with. He was a retired biochemist from the USN. He asked me what was going on that day,and I said I had the day off. I wish I was working, as the crew on, today was taking a sailor to Homestead as he had a very bad kidney infection. Now this elderly gent told me the man should have eaten more asparagus, and he wouldn't have that problem. I asked why? I'll never forget him saying, do you eat asparagus? and I said yes, I love them. He replied you notice how your urine stinks after eating asparagus? I said well I never thought it was what I ate but yes it does have a pungent odor. He said, It is because it is detoxifying your body of harmful chemicals!!! This was back in 1986 when I was stationed there and to read this email again I had to share this story...Eat more asparagus, my friends.
Asparagus -- Who knew?

My Mom had been taking the full-stalk canned style asparagus, pureed it and took 4 tablespoons in the morning and 4 tablespoons later in the day. She did this for over a month. She is on chemo pills for Stage 3 lung cancer in the pleural area and her cancer cell count went from 386 down to 125 as of this past week. Her oncologist said she will not need to see him for 3 months.

THE ARTICLE:
Several years ago I met a man seeking asparagus for a friend who had cancer. He gave me a copy of an article, entitled "Asparagus For Cancer" printed in the Cancer News Journal, December 1979. I will share it here, just as it was shared with me: I am a biochemist, and have specialized in the relation of diet to health for over 50 years. Several years ago, I learned of the discovery of Richard R. Vensal, D.D.S. that asparagus might cure cancer. Since then, I have worked with him on his project. We have accumulated a number of favorable case histories. Here are a few examples:

Case No. 1, A man with an almost hopeless case of Hodgkin's disease (cancer of the lymph glands) who was completely incapacitated. Within 1 year of starting the asparagus therapy, his doctors were unable to detect any signs of cancer, and he was back on a schedule of strenuous exercise

Case No. 2, A successful businessman, 68 years old, suffered from cancer of the bladder for 16 years. After years of medical treatments, including radiation without improvement, he began taking asparagus. Within 3 months, examinations revealed that his bladder tumor had disappeared and that his kidneys were normal.

Case No. 3, On March 5th 1971, a man who had lung cancer was put on the operating table where they found lung cancer so widely spread that it was inoperable. The surgeon sewed him up and declared his case hopeless. On April 5th he heard about the Asparagus therapy and immediately started taking it. By August, x-ray pictures revealed that all signs of the cancer had disappeared. He is now back at his regular business routine.

Case No. 4, A woman had been troubled for a number of years with skin cancer. She developed different skin cancers which were diagnosed by the acting specialist as advanced. Within 3 months after beginning asparagus therapy, the skin specialist said her skin looked fine with no more skin lesions. This woman reported that the asparagus therapy also cured her kidney disease, which had started in 1949. She had over 10 operations for kidney stones, and was receiving government disability payments for an inoperable, terminal, kidney condition. She attributes the cure of this kidney trouble entirely to the asparagus treatment.

I was not surprised at this result as `The elements of materia medica', edited in 1854 by a Professor at the University of Pennsylvania, stated that asparagus was used as a popular remedy for kidney stones. He even referred to experiments, in 1739, on the power of asparagus in dissolving stones. Note the dates! ---We would have other case histories but the medical establishment has interfered with our obtaining some of the records. I am therefore appealing to readers to spread this good news and help us to gather a large number of case histories that will overwhelm the medical skeptics about this unbelievably simple and natural remedy.

For the treatment, asparagus should be cooked before using. Fresh or canned asparagus can be used. I have corresponded with the two leading canners of asparagus, Giant and Stokely, and I am satisfied that these brands contain no pesticides or preservatives. Place the cooked asparagus in a blender and liquefy to make a puree. Store in the refrigerator. Give the patient 4 full tablespoons twice daily, morning and evening. Patients usually show some improvement in 2-4 weeks. It can be diluted with water and used as a cold or hot drink. This suggested dosage is based on present experience, but certainly larger amounts can do no harm and may be needed in some cases.

As a biochemist I am convinced of the old saying that `what cures can prevent.' Based on this theory, my wife and I have been using asparagus puree as a beverage with our meals. We take 2 tablespoons diluted in water to suit our taste with breakfast and with dinner. I take mine hot and my wife prefers hers cold. For years we have made it a practice to have blood surveys taken as part of our regular checkups. The last blood survey, taken by a medical doctor who specializes in the nutritional approach to health, showed substantial improvements in all categories over the last one, and we can attribute these improvements to nothing but the asparagus drink. As a biochemist, I have made an extensive study of all aspects of cancer, and all of the proposed cures. As a result, I am convinced that asparagus fits in better with the latest theories about cancer.

Asparagus contains a good supply of protein called histones, which are believed to be active in controlling cell growth. For that reason, I believe asparagus can be said to contain a substance that I call cell growth normalizer. That accounts for its action on cancer and in acting as a general body tonic. In any event, regardless of theory, asparagus used as we suggest, is a harmless substance. The FDA cannot prevent you from using it and it may do you much good. It has been reported by the US National Cancer Institute, that asparagus is the highest tested food containing glutathione, which is considered one of the body's most potent anticarcinogens and antioxidants.

Just a side note... In case you are wondering why this has not been made public, there is no profit in curing cancer.

Take care,
Orchid
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Blogging Central
04/30/19 11:35 PM
Thank you all for your supportive posts and care. smile

Hospice nurses and their staff are definitely a blessing. I have dealt with them for my mom, aunties and grandmothers.

As for the family, the 2 BILs still speaking to me got taking care of FIL's case dumped on them by eldest SIL. WSt is trying to help and I hope he can work with his brothers to help finalize taking care of his dad.

So BILs and I brainstormed a bit so they are formulating a plan moving forward. FIL finally sees the light of why us pushing his paperwork to get done was do important. Those games he played pitting one against the other all those years is taking a toll. Seem his $$$ running out is showing the real intend of the greedy ones. It is sad to know those siblings are showing their true colors.

I have updated WSt and our son so they know what is going on. The 2 BILs are reasonable. One is a single dad and the one who lives the closest. Other BIL is in another state far away. The other siblings who are also close most have hidden agendas and for the most part not trustworthy. It's sad because it didn't have to turn out this way.

As you know my family is a state and an ocean away but the internet and phone keeps me current. wink

At least the senior home and hospice are in sync. smile

Your posts mean a lot. hug

Thanks again,
Orchid
16 1,246 Read More
Infidelity and Abandonment
04/30/19 06:03 PM
Very impressive! You two seem to have done more learning and growing than most people I've seen. Especially that part about showing him the pictures of you and what you still accomplished. Men very easily take women for granted cos of their mothers, so good job. High hopes for you.
44 2,656 Read More
Infidelity and Abandonment
04/29/19 09:52 PM
What a great update, Hope! So many positive things!
2 212 Read More
Infidelity and Abandonment
04/22/19 09:26 PM
NS,

You are already paying it forward. Your thread when read gives a good road map to those who feel lost in this journey. Some take a long time, others travel down this same road faster and stronger. Each person has to set a pace that works. Moving too fast is not safe, neither is moving too slow or not at all. So balance and pacing one's self is important.

Yes, we share some of our stories primarily as a tool to help others learn what may come their way. Some of our experiences are hilarious upon reflection and how we endured that along with other events is well, mind blowing in many instances.

I appreciate that you see value in being on MA. Paying it forward is something we all can do in a variety of ways.

Keep up the good work.

Take care,
Orchid
195 4,632 Read More
Troubled Marriage
04/22/19 08:24 PM
Hold,

I sense that one day when you are both tired of this distance game, that it may result in an eventual split. For WSt and I, it hit a turning point, where I no longer cared.

I know myself and when I get to that point about something, someone or a cause, that letting go is what I do. I give my best up front and if it's not good enough for the person, something or cause, then I may try for a bit but will eventually let go. I know this about myself and I warned WSt many years ago not to take me to that place in my soul.

As a WS and even as an H of sorts, he gleefully did it. Well that just wore me out. He knows this because I warned him. It is who I am and I won't fight that. I may make exceptions, for example if the offender shows genuine remorse and apologizes then lives a better life, I can forgive. What I won't do is forgive just for the sake of forgiving that allows the offender to have me enable further bad behavior. That is why I will end an R or stop working on a cause.

The hardest part is to be able to recognize genuine forgiveness and reestablish an R or reenter a cause. The guidance for me is to look to the examples and principals I have learned from the Bible and pattern my decisions in accord to what is reasonable and balanced. I am not a fanatic. Never have been. Too logical of a mindset to go down that road but I do work hard at being reasonable and balanced.

So while most folks thinks letting go is hard (and it is), it is harder to live with one's distressed or guilt ridden conscience unless one doesn't care who they hurt or how.

Sadly, I have learned that there are many who put their own selfishness ahead of having empathy and care for others. Many say they follow 'the golden rule': “all things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must do to them and what is known as the 2nd greatest commandment: ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’ But their actions betray such ones (aka: hypocrites).

When such actions (to be a hypocrite - say one thing and do another), others can tell. So in my case, once I idd my best, acknowledged that I could do no more for our M, I did make the decision to separate. My conscience is clear that I did my best. I refused to continue to enable my H as a WSt and that separating was a necessary thing. As long as he remained as a WSt (even if there was no PA but still manifesting his WS traits), then our M could not survive. The abuse to our family was too great to keep him in it.

My opinion is that your M is not at that point but if your tolerance level is not in a secure place with your W, you both may need to seek help on how to improve it to save your M.

I hope both do and succeed.

Take care,
Orchid
859 127,766 Read More
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